Phone call to Ben, who constantly needles me re hats and TF2.
"Mr M! Are you responsible for the parcel that greeted me today?"
"Er... not that I know of!"
"It's a hat."
"No, that wasn't me."
"It's a pretty good hat. Not cheap. I thought it might have been you, given endless TF2-related hat shenanigans."
"Yeah. I rather wish it was me now. Damn, beaten to the hat-trolling."
Phone call to my littlest brother.
"Bro, did you send me a hat?"
"A hat came in the post for me today. No return address, no inkling of who it's from. It's a really snazzy hat, but... I'm just confused."
"Damn. I ask because there was a small mistake on the address, which is the same as in an address I gave you before. Who've you been giving my address to?"
"Doesn't seem her style; she sends me My Little Pony instead."
"Sorry bro, no idea. I can say it was me if you like?"
"Thanks for the offer, but no. Aight. Love to famille."
Tweet Philip (who is the first man I think of when I think of classy hats.)
Me: Mr Reeve, were you the source of a rather nice (dapper!) present that arrived on my doorstep today?
Philip: I don't think so... but maybe I should take the credit anyway. What was it?
Me: A hat. If it's not you I am plumb out of ideas.
Philip: You have a mystery hat benefactor! That's cool! Or possibly creepy. Oh, and 'pics or it didn't happen' as you youngsters say.
Me: ..when I work out WHY ON EARTH I HAVE BEEN SENT A HAT.
Text my cousin, who's one of the few remaining people who know my uni address.
Me: Alright, I can't think of why you would have, but did you send me a hat?
Joey: Er, no, i definitely didn't. What sort of hat? Secret admirer maybe?
Me: Pork pie hat. Black wool. Well classy. Arrived anonymously. Deeply confused.
Joey: Wow, that is very strange. Sounds good tho. Hand written address?
Me: No, has been bought through some internet company.
Joey: Even weirder. Your bio bro? Mum? Does it fit?
Me: No no and not really :( my head is too big.
Hit my middle brother up on facebook chat.
Me: did you send me a hat?
Me: I can't think of why you might have but I've kind of exhausted the reasonable possibilities at this point
Olly: Umm... When?
Olly: I don't think I did...
Me: Today. Arrived on my doorstep. It's a cool hat but I AM SO CONFUSED.
Olly: umm... sure it's for you?
Olly: I've not sent you one
Me: it's addressed to me
Olly: umm, interesting
Olly: :\ No idea!
Me: oh well
Olly: I want a hat now
Olly: what kind of hat?
Olly: Maybe you have a secret admirer?
Me: what kind of secret admirer sends you a fucking hat
Me: ...and knows my address
Olly: that's not a bad hat...
Olly: Maybe it's a TF2 related joke?
Me: that's what I thought, but I phoned up the chap I would expect that joke from and he denied all involvement
Olly: absolutely no idea then!
Me: that makes five of us
Me: so far
Me: forgive me if this is something of a left field question
Me: did you send me a hat?
James: did you receive an anonymous hat?
James: well, i hate to disappoint, but it wasn't me
Me: well I'm just terminally confused now
James: ...what kind of hat was it?
James: that exact hat?
James: maybe it's someone who wishes to see your style evolve
James: equally, it could be an assassin's calling card
James: don't sleep
Me: ordinarily that wouldn't be a problem, but I left my flask in kent at the weekend and have been criminally undercaffeinated since
James: you're fucked m8
Me: it's a hat not a goddamn letter bomb bro
James: it has a hidden camera
James: it's covered with syphilis
James: there's a needle inside with HIV blood
Me: there's probably some perfectly innocuous reason for this, like someone asked me to post something to them, and I've forgotten about the whole affair with my retarded sieve memory
Me: that's it
Me: well done me
Me: yeah it's for a friend who can't get things posted to their country
Me: I am middlemanning
Me: better take this to the post office